#IBES – Die Dschungelkandidaten im Social Media Check 2014

Liebe Freunde der australischen Kotzfrucht,

an diesem Freitag ist es wieder so weit. RTL hat alles zusammengekratzt, was auf dem Markt der Würdelosigkeit und der Selbstaufgabe erschlossen werden konnte.
Um euch das – selbstverständlich – sachliche Diskutieren oder wahlweise auch die zügellose Rundumschlagbeleidigung zu vereinfachen, habe ich hier die wichtigsten Hashtags, Fanpages, Twitter Accounts und weitere Kanäle für euch zusammengefasst. Als kleines Amuse Gueule, gibt es auch noch eine Vorstellung und eine kurze Prognose.

Gezwitschert wird unter: #IBES 

Die Kandidaten sind aufgelistet nach Hits bei Google. (Stand 13.01.2014, 15:50 Uhr):

1. Melanie Müller: 3.640.000
2. Michael Wendler: 1.570.000
3. Marco Angelini: 2.150.000
4. Tanja Schumann: 686.000
5. Corinna Drews: 195.000
6. Mola Adebisi: 180.000
7. Jochen Bendel: 131.000
8. Larissa Marolt: 157.000
9. Winfried Glatzeder: 132.000
10. Gabby de Almeida Rinne: 82.600 (lol fünfstellig)
11. Julian F. M. Stöckel: 30.700 (ROFLCOPTER!)

Here we go:

Melanie Müller
Kernkompetenz: Titten.
Während Schäfers Micaela sich untenrum immerhin mit einem Bindfaden bekleidete, stieg Melanie lieber gleich blanko in des Bachelors Blubberbrausebad, doch dieser entzog sich umgehend der Offerte. Generell scheint im Leben der Monroe aus Grimma der Entzug des Gegenübers eine zentrale Rolle zu spielen. Ihr Mallorca Party Hit, mit dem vielsagenden und knackigen Titel, „Ob Mann, ob Frau, ich nehm´s nicht so genau“, ist ein Hinweis auf inflationäre, ja fast schon georgineske Strategien im Buhlen um Öffentlichkeit und Freundschaften. Dass auf ihrer Homepage ein eigener Reiter für Autogrammkarten ist, macht es auch nicht unbedingt besser, was aber auch egal ist, denn wir können uns jetzt schon alle darauf freuen wie sich Melanie mit musikalischer Untermalung von George Michaels „Careless Whisper“, unterm Wasserfall die Narben ihres D-Körbchens reibt. Ja, reibt.
Pognose: Top 3. Weil: Titten.

Facebook
Homepage
Twitter: Not found.

Michael Wendler:
„Der Wendler“ ist ein „Sänger“, der auf Facebook seine „Fans“ mit Terminen zu „Konzerten“ versorgt, beispielsweise im „Tanzlokal Nina“ in Bottrop. Der Wendler zelebriert 365 Tage im Jahr den Caps Lock Day. Er mag Großschreibung, Gold und sich selbst ganz gerne. Rechtliche Auseinandersetzungen klärt er bevorzugt in der, mit der und gegen die „Öffentlichkeit“ (limitiert auf RTL und BILD). Seine Homepage besitzt die größtmögliche Anmut, die ein Nerd beim Programmieren 1998 in Pixeln auf die Platte bringen konnte. Er hat F-Commerce bis in die feinsten Kapillaren seines digitalen Ichs verinnerlicht und verkauft auf Facebook zielgruppengerecht ein gar nicht mal so schönes Kaffeeservice.
Die Fotos auf seiner Fanpage sind ein klares Statement für die Überflüssigkeit des Studiengangs Grafik Design und dafür, dass das YouTube-Tutorial „Photoshop in 5 Minuten“, eine grundsolide Ausbildung bietet und das ein leichter Lipgloss noch keinem Mann geschadet hat.

Prognose: Er ist einer der wenigen Eingepferchten, dem man so etwas wie einen Promi-Status zusprechen kann. Kernkompetenz: Kennt sich mit Stürmen aus Kot gut aus, was ihm den herzhaften Biss in den Anus eines Buschschweins sicherlich versüßen wird.
Prognose: Top 3. Denn: Der Zuschauer will ihn leiden sehen.

Facebook 
Homepage
Twitter: Not found.

Marco Angelini:
Marco gibt sich beim Einsatz von Social Plugins unter allen Kandidaten die größte Mühe. Auf seinen Kanälen ist mit Ausnahme von Facebook zwar nichts los (131 Follower auf Twitter), aber, er gibt sein Bestes und über Kinder, die versuchen zu lesen, lacht man nicht.
Der Österreicher belegte im Jahr 2011 den vierten Platz bei DSDS und veröffentlichte anderthalb Jahre später ein „Best of“ Album. Noch Fragen? Mit der Single „Du&Ich“ kam er auf Platz 69 der österreichischen Single-Charts und mit „Wunder gibt es immer wieder“ auf Platz 69 der deutschen Single-Charts. Für den Dschungel reicht das. Angelini ignoriert auf seiner Facebook Fanpage die Impressumspflicht und sollte mal abgemahnt werden (just for the lols). Wer übernimmt das?

Facebook 
Twitter 
Google+
YouTube
tumblr
Homepage 

Tanja Schumann:
Schaut man auf die Fanpage der Schumann stellt man sich schnell die Frage, ob es hier um die Schumann oder Olivia Jones geht. Jedenfalls bietet sie auf dem Hamburger Kiez Hafenrundfahrten und Kieztouren an, die eigentlich Olivia anbietet. Nein, ich mache jetzt kein Wortspiel mit Transen, Fremden, Führern und Federn. Nein.
Als zugezogener Hamburger verstehe ich nun jedenfalls, wie und warum die Pinneberger jedes Wochenende das Viertel vollstopfen und man keine Lust mehr hat, vor die Tür zu gehen. Darüber hinaus kann ich die Entscheidung der Einrichtung des Gefahrengebiets auf St. Pauli nun wesentlich besser nachvollziehen und, warum die Boutique Bizarre am Freitag und Samstag Abend einen Euro Eintritt nimmt. Aber jetzt ist sie ja im Dschungel, das Gefahrengebiet kann aufgehoben werden. Leider wird sie nicht lange bleiben. Die rote Flora schon.
Prognose: Boring, random Platz 5-11.

Facebook
Homepage
Twitter: Not found.

Corinna Drews:
Die sozialen Kanäle von Corinna Drews spiegeln exakt das wieder, was man bei einer Frau deren größte Lebensleistung es war einen Schlagersänger zu heiraten erwartet. Es ist die soziale Sahara. Stillstand, Stille und kleine Kugeln aus Glasfaser, deren einzige Liebkosung ein gelegentlicher Windstoß des Lüfters aus dem 56k Modem sind. Facebook: 299 Fans. Twitter: 7 Follower. Google+: in den Kreisen von drei Personen. Pinterest: 0 Follower, 10 Pins.
Der Claim einer Kampagane, der zu 100% auf ein solches Briefing passen würde, lautet:
„360Grad Einsamkeit.“ Als Alternative ginge auch: „Kein Bett im Kornfeld.“
Prognose: Mittelfeld. Platz 4-8.

Facebook
Twitter
Google+
Pinterest
Homepage

Mola Adebisi:
Ach herrje, Herr Adebisi. Wo soll ich nur anfangen? Machen wir es kurz. Unter allen Kandidaten ist es Mola, der am abgebranntesten zu sein scheint. Seine Facebook Fanpage mit 300 Fans hat er extra zum Dschungelcamp am 04.01.2014 erstellt, auf Twitter folgen ihm 88 User und seine Homepage ist ein nach Kunden lechzendes und weitestgehend referenzloses Debakel, auf der jedoch „Social Media Solutions“ angeboten werden. Ahja.
Es wirkt irgendwie so, als würde der in den 90ern omnipräsente Molarator lächelnd und grüßend zum Rewe gehen, aber am Ende landen in einem unbeobachteten Moment doch wieder nur abissi JA! Produkte in der mitgebrachten Plastiktüte. Es zerreißt mir das Herz. Wirklich.
Prognose: Platz 4-6.

Facebook
Twitter
Homepage

Jochen Bendel:
Ruck Zuck am Rucksack.
Prognose: Platz 9-11.

Facebook
Twitter
Homepage

Larissa Marolt:
Larissa ist so unfassbar unprominent, dass das googeln eine echte Herausforderung war. Soziale Kanäle konnte ich nicht finden. Nicht mal Wikipedia hat ihre Homepage verlinkt (denn es gibt keine). Lediglich ein „Fanblog“ konnte recherchiert werden und der sieht auch noch so aus, als würde sie ihn selber betreiben.
Progonose: Chancenlos. Es sei denn sie bringt Emotionalität ins Camp bzw. packt Allüren oder wahlweise Geschlechtsteile aus um ins Gespräch zu kommen.
Prognose: Platz 4-9.

Fanblog
Facebook: Unsure.
Twitter: Not found.

Winfried Glatzeder:
Es geht noch schlimmer als bei Corinna Drews und Larissa Marolt. Der Glatzeder hat nix. Nada.
Lediglich eine IMDb Database.
Prognose: Platz 9-11.
IMDb

Gabby de Almeida Rinne:
Die deutsch-brasilianische Rinne wurde einst von Sido verschmäht und verdankt ihre Bekanntheit auch der Teilnahme an der Castingshow Popstars. Das Ende vom Lied war die Mitliedschaft in der Girlgroup „Queensberry“. Gabby kommt ebenfalls der Impressumspflicht nicht nach und der Link zu ihrer Homepage, im Infokasten von Facebook, führt wieder zurück zur Facebook Fanpage selbst. Good Job. Da ich keine bessere Möglichkeit einer Diskreditierung dieser Frau gefunden habe als sie wörtlich zu zitieren, folgt hier der wohl wichtigste Satz ihres Lebens, in welchem der aufmerksame Leser ihre Dschungel-Kompatibilität erkennen wird:

„A girl like me,
u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u,
a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a,
a girl like me,
u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u,
a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a.“

Prognose: Ähnlich wie Larissa. Sie bildet mit dieser das Fiona-Georgina-Gespann des Jahres 2014.

Facebook
Twitter
Homepage 

Julian F.M. Stöckel:
Julian ist selbst unter den Z-Promis der Amateur. Es wirkt alles sehr hobbyhaft und parasitär. Seine hauptsächliche Leistung bezieht sich auf das gemeinsame Ablichten mit Prominenten, Statussymbolen und den geleasten Statussymbolen von Prominenten. Leicht verwirrend und überaus paradox sind seine Statusupdates a lá „Life is Dekadenz <3″.
Für das Titelbild seiner Facebook Fanpage konnte er immerhin Harald Glööckler und geschätzte acht Liter Hyaluronsäure überreden. Karl Lagerfeld würde zu der Diva sagen: „Ich kenne die nicht. Claudia kennt die auch nicht. Die war nie in Paris, wir kennen die nicht.“ Auf seinem Instagram Account zeigt er sich angestrengt beim stemmen einer 1-Kilo Hantel und auf Twitter hat er 184 Follower. Ich hebe mehr Kilos, habe mehr Google Hits, mehr Follower und ein Foto von mir und Kai Pflaume – aber mich fragt ja keiner.
Prognose: Top-5. Wird sich durchstoeckeln.

Facebook
Twitter
Instagram 
Homepage

Das Schreiben, recherchieren und lesen dieser dilettantischen, furchtbaren, Augen- und Hirnkrebserregenden, miefenden, schleimigen, schlarwenzelnden, anbiedernden, triefenden und vor Geltungsdrang stinkenden Lektüre hat mich geschafft. Ich bin fertig. Komplett.

Ich bin kein Star – ich bin jetzt raus. Offline und raus.

Wir treffen uns Freitag Abend unter #IBES

Herzlichst,
euer Briefträger.

Die Zahlen dieser Bestandsaufnahme haben den Stand 13.01.2014. Die Links sind mit bestem Wissen und Gewissen auf die Echtheit bzw. den offiziellen Charakter der Kandidaten geprüft.

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